Or that is what I keep telling myself.
I am less than a month away from turning forty, and my feelings are all over the place. In some ways I am mourning my youth... And in some ways I am so thankful for the maturity, strength, clarity and wisdom gathered along the way.
My body has a mind of its own. It's not easy to lose weight anymore, no matter how hard I watch my diet. My energy level is down, and my skin is not as youthful as it was even a couple years ago. My hormones are on a roller coaster, and I'm not even close to menopause yet.
I get glimpses of seeing myself in the eyes of young people...and it surprises me to notice that they think I am old. I don't think that I've changed, but then I see my friends and notice the change in them. I guess I am looking at the mirror through my own denial..
I am a little bit disappointed with myself. Mostly because I don't feel that I have lived up to my full potential. It takes too much effort to do that! So I've been a bit lazy and scared to leave the comfort zone.
Age has made me realize that you cannot have everything. Life is full of compromises.
On the other hand, I do realize that I have achieved some wonderful things. I put myself through graduate school without taking loans, I have a good job in the financial industry, and most of all, three healthy, happy and intelligent daughters, and a happy marriage.
My life is certainly not over..just changing..hopefully for the better.
So what gives?
I don't know... I just know that I don't feel like celebrating my birthday.